Pastor Jeremy Stephens

...and I had to write a “judgment oracle” similar to an Old Testament prophet would write against an evil neighbor, so I figured, who better to write an angry oracle about?  Ok, I’ll write one about the M*@#$gan Wol@#ines next time.

1. The Commissioner spoke about the Boston Red Sox.
“Sure to be judged is that team!
For sure, they will face injury in spring training!
Tony Franconia will suffer disgrace. He will be fired!
Fenway Park will suffer disgrace. It will be torn down!

2. People will no longer wear your faded blue hat.
The Yankees will rule the post-season and win the pennant,
Saying “we will purchase your best players!”
City of Boston, you will also be destroyed.

You will face humiliation with a losing home record.

3. Cries of anguish will arise in Southie,
“We just won a few years ago, how can we be this terrible again?”

4. Boston will be crushed.
Children today will never see another world series win.

5. Indeed they will walk down Brookline Avenue,
Weeping continually as they go.
For on the road down to Yawkey Way
They will hear the cries of distress over another missed post-season.

6. They will hear, “Runs! Saves!
Can’t you do anything right?”

7. “Boston, you trust in the home runs and in your payroll.
So you too will be conquered.
Your god David Ortiz will go into early retirement
Along with the entire lineup of left-handed hitters

8. The entire American League East will come against you,
Every team will be victorious
Your legacy will be destroyed.
The entire farm system will be laid waste.
I, the Commissioner, have spoken!

9. Set up a press conference for Boston
For the team will certainly be embarrassed!
Its suburbs will be barren
And become unmotivated.”

10 A curse on anyone who would sell Babe Ruth!
A curse on anyone who goes up against the Yankees!

11. From its earliest days, the Red Sox have lived unmoved.
Its franchise has never been moved to another city.
Its people are like spilled beer allowed to seep under the stands
Stale and no longer cold
Whose aroma has mingled with the rubbish and broken peanuts.

12. But the time is coming when I will send
Wealthy tycoons against the Red Sox who will empty them out.
They will empty the 40-man roster of its talent
They will take players to be named later
I, the Commissioner, affirm it!

13. The people of Boston will be disappointed by their god Ortiz.
They will be as disappointed as the people of New York were
When they put their trust in the pitching god Clemens.

14. How can you men of Boston say, “we are heroes,
Men who are mighty in the ninth inning?”

15. The Red Sox will be destroyed. Its suburbs desolated.
Its finest young prospects will be put out on waivers.
I, the supreme, the Commissioner who makes all decisions, affirm it!